My Aim Is Truth

Less Obvious Running Mates – Obama Edition August 19, 2008

Well, all the political blogosphere is buzzing.  Presumptive democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama is closing in on making his decision as to who his running mate will be.

Omnipresent news aggregate site Drudgereport.com, has put up a poll where site visitors can vote on whom they think will make the cut.  Currently the only specific person that is leading in the poll is Joe Biden.  He along with Hillary and Bayh round out the top 3 actual human beings that people seem to think have the best chance of being selected.  But, non of them are actually leading in the poll itself.   The current leader in the poll with over a third of total votes is “Wild card“.

So people, well visitors to Drudge’s site anyway, feel that the pick is going to come out of left field.  So lets take a look at 5 of the less obvious choices that might make the cut, what they bring to the table and what could be some downsides for Obama for putting them on the ticket.

#1 MacGruber

A relative no-name in the political realm, MacGruber would bring a fresh face to an already fresh candidacy.  He’s also able to adapt to uncomfortable situations and seems to have had some rudimentary military experience.

Pro: He makes life saving inventions out of household materials.
Con: He’s a raging alcoholic
Chance of being on ticket: 3%

#2 Mayor McCheese

A relatively safe choice for Senator Obama, Mayor McCheese has been a staple on the national political scene for decades now.  He’s been lauded for his ability to put aside partisan politics in order to bring about positive legislation to his constituency.  McCheese could really serve to counter some of the charges of inexperience from the Republicans.  Should Obama choose McCheese, Senator McCain’s choices for his running mate would be limited.

Pro: Experience and bi-partisan support.
Con: He might be a Scientologist.
Chance of being on ticket: 12%

#3 Charles Nelson Reilly

Governor Reilly would be a very popular choice among the independent voters as his strong stance on Tort Reform and border security has been long established.  Southern voters however are split on this potential choice, with half the south wanting to “string that boy up from the tallest tree in the county” and the other half thinking that he has a “real purdy mouth“.  So it could go either way in the red states.

Pro: HAAAUUUUUUHHHLLLLL!!!! (Shakes glasses with hand)
Con: He’s still dead.
Chance of being on ticket: 3%

#4 Yoda, the cat with four ears

How many firsts can one presidency bring to America?  Surly the first feline or non-human vice-presidential candidate would attract the crazy cat lady vote, but it might alienate him from the chronic allergy sufferer vote.   This choice could also be seen as pandering to the very strong Fancy Feast lobbyists.  Some would say that putting the actual Yoda on the ticket would be the smarter choice.  But while it would definitely garner a huge percentage of the geek vote,  it might not be smart to put the only being in the universe who is older than your rival, on the ticket.

Pro: Great Hearing
Con: Cats are Assholes
Chance of being on ticket: 21%

#5 Superman, last son of Krypton AKA Kal-El AKA The Man of Steel AKA The Man of Tomorrow AKA Clark Kent AKA Spiderman… wait what?

Personally, I think that this one is a no brainer.  Supes would totally be the perfect choice as a running mate.  He’s was the original American Hero and I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t condone torture.   He’s pretty much his own missile defence system, so we don’t have to worry about funding one of those anymore.  He can use his x-ray vision to finally find Bin Laden.  And, if we really eff something up royally again, he can just fly around the globe really fast and send us back in time.   The only problem would be if another interdimentional war breaks out and the Soviet Superman from elseworlds switches places with our superman.  Then we would have Superman:Red Son only a breath away from being the leader of the free world.  Although, when you think about it,  I’d probably rather have him than Dick Cheney.  Lex Luthor maybe, but not Dick Cheney.  Also, he can fight sharks better than Batman.

Pro: Um… He’s effing Superman.
Con: What if North Korea develops Kryptonite mines?
Chance of being on ticket: If he wants on the ticket, he’s getting on the ticket.  Why don’t you ask him what his chances are.

So there you have it.  My 5 wild card pics for the democratic vice-presidency.   I know these guys are long shots, well except for the cat.  But I think they’d all be great choices. So Senator Obama, if you’re reading this, why not take a chance?  You’ve built you’re whole campaign on doing things differently.  Why not surprise us with a wacky running mate? At the very least it’ll give us something to laugh at while we wait for the seas to rise and this crazy blue and green rock to stop spinning.