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Politicolympics – Obama vs. McCain, The Summer Olympics Edition August 11, 2008

Posted by Robert in Election 08, Politics.
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Let The Games Begin!

Let The Games Begin!

So it seems that quite a few important political stories have fallen by the wayside this week because most of the civilized world is focused on watching their countries best physical examples compete in organized sport both popular and vague.

But that’s all going to change,  because this blog is going to inject the dirty world of politics directly into the squeaky clean world of The Olympics.

Without further distractions, here’s who I feel would win if Obama and McCain faced off in some of the most popular sports in the Beijing Olympics.

Archery: The early advantage here has to go to McCain.  I don’t know if any of you have seen the new Rambo movie, but based solely on that film, it would appear that hardened soldiers all know how to wreck shop with a bow and arrow.  Also, McCain would probably push for a big arrow surge in order to overwhelm the target before it had a chance to mount a counter assault.  Advantage: McCain

Basketball: Well, this one’s easy.  Obama has shown his skills on more than one occasion on the court.  Not only could he beat McCain in a game of 1 on 1, but I’m sure you could add Florida Governor Crist, Karl Rove, Larry Craig and I’ll even throw in Romney and I’m sure Obama would still at least get 20 rebounds.  Also, everyone knows that Obama is not afraid to go to the paint or shoot from the outside. Advantage: Obama

Kayak: Well seeing as how there aren’t many white water rapids in the greater Chicago area and there are plenty of them in McCain’s home state, I would think this one would have to go to McCain.  Also, seeing as how McCain is really good at switching sides of the aisle to get ahead politically, I would think he’s also really good flipping the oar from one side of the boat to the other.  Advantage: McCain

Beach Volleyball: McCain would be disqualified immediately because he would refuse to be seen in only swim trunks.  Also, it’s well documented that Obama has a good beach physique. Advantage: Obama

Judo: This one is tough.   I’m sure that McCain received hand to hand combat during his basic training, but that was many, many, many moons ago.  While Obama’s hand to hand combat skills might be in question, I refer back to my previous statement about how easily McCain can be flipped when he deems it beneficial to his political career.  Advantage: Obama

Boxing: Tough one, but…

Advantage: Obama

Shooting: Yeah, this one’s easy.  McCain’s had all the arms training in the world and quite a bit of hands on experience.  While Obama may have cut his teeth on the mean streets of Chicago,  I’m pretty sure the mean streets of the Mekong Delta trump that.  Advantage: McCain

Soccer: Ok, the most physically strenuous sport in the world.  Is there anyone out there on either sides of the political spectrum who would honestly like to debate me who has a better chance of running continuously for about an hour and a half?  No?  Ok then.  Advantage: Obama

Track and Field: For reasons stated above, Obama would definitely take the running events, but McCain might be able to take him in the shot put and javelin because I feel like he’s good at throwing implements of death with his hands.   Still, I think that if it came down to it, Obama is the overall victor here.  Advantage: Obama

Trampoline: Honestly, if we could get Obama and McCain on a trampoline together and film it, the winner would be all humans with the gift of sight.  Advantage: Humans with the gift of sight.

Wrestling: This would be one hell of a match, but I have to give it to McCain because he’d probably throw some mud and fight dirty.  Advantage: McCain

Swimming: Based on hand gestures alone, Obama wins with one.  If I see one more of McCain’s “My Friends” hand gestures where he moves both arms up and down like a toy robot, I’m going to laugh at him… again.  Advantage: Obama

Diving: Well based on the skills of the last really old republican to run for president.  I’d have to give this one to McCain.  Sorry Obama, you just don’t fall well enough.  Advantage: McCain

So after competing in my head at 13 of my favorite Summer Olympic Events, it’s Obama 7, McCain 5 and Humans with the gift of sight coming in at 1.  I suppose humans with the gift of sight will represent Ron Paul.   This 7 out of 13 translates to about a 54% victory for Obama.  Here’s hoping that number holds up in November. WINNER: OBAMA!!!

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Comments»

1. BlueFranco - August 12, 2008

McSame has been the BIG loser in the ad wars. McSame is coming off like an old wrinkled white haired guy…wait…did Madame Hilton already say that?
He is so obsessed with Barack…maybe he is a closet OBamaholic? You know those reTHUGlicans they like da closet!

2. YankeeDoodleDandee - August 12, 2008

I’d just like to point out that McCain can’t actually lift his arms above his head, so the idea of him forearming his way to a wrestling victory is embarrassing. Also, Obama spent most of his childhood in Hawaii and Indonesia, not Chicago…
About your blog, Robert: I read it and love it.

3. Levine sucks - August 12, 2008

Today I learned that trampoline is an actual event at the olympics. And that my friend’s hand isn’t steady enough to make a decent “O” on Sonic’s head.


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